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 Subject :Do i attend nar-anon?$..
2014-12-28 20:37:12 
Joined: 2014-12-28 16:26:36
Posts: 1

Not sure if i should attend meetings or a group as I no longer see my ex- fiance (an addict) all I know is I feel like no ones really understand where I am coming from and are Judging me.

Today I was to marry my best friend J.

At this moment I sit alone whilst my family pretends that everything is fine and I am fine.

About 6 years ago I met my perfect match. A hidden treasure behind all the pain and suffering Of his past. Someone who I couldn't believed existed. My ex-fiance a heroin addict.

When we met we were the best of friends. A bond so close I never could believe it. After a year of being great friends we parted ways as things started moving the direction of a relationship that J was not ready for coming from an abusive broken home, he didn't believe relationships were meant to last. At this time he was not addicted to drugs.

I never forgot about him, but life had to move on. Long story short a year later his mother contacts me to attend his birthday she thinks it will be good for him to see me. By this time J was addicted I had no idea we got together. In the months that followed I found out he was addicted to heroin. I did so much research I spent nights reading up on heroin addiction. I made him a file with all the information on addiction and how to quit and a calendar attached so for him to decide do you want to be clean or not. I still remember him writing my road to freedom on the cover. J stayed clean for months I moved to an apartment not far from where his family stayed and this year to follow was the toughest year or so I thought.

That February J's mum took in another heroin addict who's family had no time for him. I was crazy upset cause the logic of that idea made no sense to me ...J relapsed March he quit his job.

It would usually until he had no more money to acknowledge he has relapsed. I always told him as ling as you are trying I am here. Living alone no one really knew what was happening in my life. The good and clean times were the best days of my life when the active using ones were very dark times. Only his mother knew what was happening as I spoke to her everyday.

On and off J was clean and I stayed I attended NA meetings with him as moral support once a month. That as everything else ended. I went to different rehabs with him to decide where he would feel safe as he always said addicts were abused in rehabs.

Closer to the end of this year Js mother advised that I go stay at home again as this may give him a wake up call. She also advise I sell my car. As it was one of the things that gives J access to drugs. My car at this time was in really bad shape as I allowed J to use it whilst I was at work.

End October I move back home, the what I thought was the saddest times ever. Js mother advised not to speak to him I contacted her often to ask how he was. In November J attended my graduation with me and said that he wants to go to rehab. I relayed the message to his mom. December J stared treatment on a break end December and back up until March. Where the clinical psychologist arranged a meeting with me as they were not sure at rehab that Js family members are honest about certain things. The week Js treatment was to be completed he was let go the Monday instead of the Friday. When I asked his mom why he was home she claimed it to be a long story. The nurse contacted me to bring J to rehab when I did they advised J brought heroin in to the centre and was expelled. They also advised J will not succeed in his family's home and we need to decide what we will be doing as J said we getting married once his complete d treatment.

J comes clean on and off more clean than not and asks my father for my hand in marriage we plan our wedding for today. A good relationship with his mother turns ugly real fast as she is unhappy about the marriage. Months leading up to our wedding J relapses. He stays at my parents home and manages to stay clean when he goes back home he relapses. This is how it continues. His mother threatens to tell my parents Js on drugs as my parents know of nothing and are paying for everything. I ask please don't he will be OK we will be OK. Finally she calls and tells my parents at first they don't believe it as they love him and his Been staying with us and seemed normal. Finally my dad asks him to be tested or move back home so he argues that he has nothing to prove.

I'm 27 but my parents take my phone in a bid that I do not make contact with J. They believe for an educated person I made uneducated decisions and they need To step in. My sisters are to accompany me everywhere.

Whilst at work I am in contact with J, torn and just losing my mind one day I refuse to get up. My mother books me into a centre for abused women and I stay there for a week without any contact with J. I tell him where I am going. Not much help as everyone says they same thing. You better than that. Do you want that life. His mother had yet to ask me how I am. If been in contact with his best friend after his neighbours and another friend invited me on Facebook  at the same time. I had so much anxiety and just burst out crying cause I thought they were going to tell me J was dead.

I smile when peoples around but my heart is hurt. How will i ever stop loving him, do i want to stop loving him. I dont want to forget what we had. I have never met someone more respectful of myself and women. I honestly never knew a love so great could exist.

I asked his best friend the beginning of this month how J was if his still spiralling and he just said thought they told you. J was fetched by social development and in a treatment facility. Peace of mind that he is getting help. And that his out of harms way.

I wonder, if he could he ever forgive me for staying away and abandoning him.

Apologies for the lengthy post.



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 Subject :Re: Do i attend nar-anon?$$..
2014-12-28 21:16:26 
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32

Hi Tauri.

Wow what a share. You sure went through a lot and in my understanding of your title, wondering if many of the decisions you made were right or wrong. In my opinion, the choices you made are yours. You made them and you should accept that they were what you thought right at that time. For me, the most important thing about choices are that I have come to understand that every one of them come with consequences that one has to live with as they are your choices and the consequences of those choices. Every consequence, leaves you with another choice to change direction.


Without wanting to go over your whole share, let me just focus on your title. Do you need to attend Nar-Anon meetings.


In my experience the meetings (for me) at the beginning focused on how I needed to deal with the addict; then I came to see it was more about how I needed to focus on MY LIFE so as to change the one person I have control over [MYSELF] and not my need to change the addict; most importantly it became more on how to change my REACTIONS towards the addict.


NOW, the meetings (for me) focus on helping me to relate to ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS in my life, with the addict only ONE person in all these relationships.


Truth be told, when I started to focus on MY LIFE, my relationship with the addict changed for the better and today we have the best relationship we've ever had and because I focused on MY HAPPINESS and MY LIFE independent of his, he came to understand that ONLY HE can take responsibility for his life and the direction he finally takes.


So in answer to your question, YES YES YES. Attend as many Nar-Anon meetings as you possibly can. I trust you will also begin to experience the power of the 12 Step Program in your life.


Strength, Patience, Courage.

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