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 Subject :I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-17 12:45:12 
JC
Junior
Joined: 2014-11-07 08:59:40
Posts: 4
Location

So I’m hiding my addicts gun….trying to figure out if it’s trying to take control of a situation (that I cannot control) or if it’s for protection.

Maybe I haven’t practiced the program enough to deal with this grey area….but everything about it feels wrong but right at the same time.

The short story is that my addict (who is my boyfriend) sometimes goes on suicide threatening sprees, it’s been a while but the ugly head was reared yesterday.

As I mentioned he moved in with me and he has been acting clean for a while although I’m not sure what happened in the move because emotionally it seems it has been too much for him to bare and he has been battling to accept this situation since day one.  I suppose I was worried for good reason.  Ok so it’s heart breaking and disappointing but never the less it is what it is.  So about the gun, I don’t have a safe so when I saw the gun on Saturday in my cupboard I hid it in a safe place.  From past experience he threatens to kill himself and even though I don’t really believe he will, I don’t take suicide threats lightly because I know that my addicts pain is huge and should he snap tragedy can happen at any moment.

When the fighting flared up he wanted his gun and then realised his gun was missing…..I knew he would intimidate me to give it up so I lied and said I left it at my parents’ house.

He left to my parents and confronted them for his gun…I don’t need to explain but I’m sure you can imagine the anger he created and rattled everyone including my parents with his rage.  My parents even went to the police and though no charges were laid they felt they had to act and I encouraged them to as I felt it was the right thing to do in the raging situation.  Meanwhile when he first left to my parents I realised that the first place that I hid the gun wasn’t safe enough so I got the gun and tried to hide it again….while I was re-hiding it he turned the car around and came back like he could smell what I was doing….thankfully I succeeded to hide it before he stormed back in.  When he came back he demanded I go with to my parents but I refused so he left for the second time in a rage again.  While he was away I left to my sister in a hurry and after I tried to calm down I honestly tried to enjoy the rest of my day by helping her and her boyfriend in the garden and we had a braai – it was nice. During the afternoon my partner sent me few messages telling me his intent to end his life …now with rope…he also begged me for his gun and told me how I don’t care etc. etc. familiar drama, I replied briefly here and there just trying to keep my head but it didn’t seem to make a difference to his actions (as this program teaches).  After the braai I came home to find him in bed and after a few small chores I had a hot bath, took a muscle relaxant, made some tea and climbed into another bed.

This morning he asked me where his gun was again, I replied telling him it is safe. He asked me when he can get it back and I said don’t know but I feel he is not calm enough and I asked if we don’t talk about this now. He didn’t respond further.

Ok so first of all I am feeling rather bruised that this drama is back and it’s in my house. This is why I left. I did not realise this kind of drama was still going on.

It feels like nothing has changed (although everything has changed). But since I’m not naïve and I didn’t expect/suspect a total recovery it doesn’t hurt so much.  I know that he is on his own path to recovery.  Enough about him.

I must admit I’m physically hurt from the stress in my body from those moments of fear. Although I did as best I could in the situation there was a brief moment yesterday when I felt like I was in a movie and I could not believe what I was suddenly involved in. I’m just not sure what to do about the gun because it feels like I’m taking control of his life which against everything in this program but at the same time I am concerned about our safety. Not only the safety but the threatening games he plays with his gun. This doesn't feel right and people like him should not be in possession of a firearm when they are not emotionally stable to have one. I have always avoided getting his gun taken away from him because of the fear that he will hold it against me....God forbid one day we actually need it for protection against criminals. But I know he should not have it at the moment, God forbid something goes wrong and that trigger goes off. I’m not sure what is more damaging....trying to control a situation that I cant or giving up a gun to someone I don't trust. Clearly I believe the latter is worse otherwise I wouldn't have hidden it. But what now I ask myself?!

 

It’s the kind of day that I’m really listening to my higher power, looking for answers and really thankful to have a place to turn to.  This just feels really big at the moment. And I'm not sure how to let this one go.

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 Subject :Re: I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-17 13:12:45 
JC
Junior
Joined: 2014-11-07 08:59:40
Posts: 4
Location

PS - I am aware that we should always intervene when our safety or anyone's safety is in question.  I am not debating that.  I know I did the right thing in the moment.  But I'm wandering now its the next day... Plus I also just really needed to share that load.

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 Subject :Re: I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-17 18:30:37 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location

Hi JC.

Shoe, to say that's a mouthful would be an understatement. Girl, you have some serious issues to deal with and you've already said it, your safety MUST come first.

Just the thought of having a gun in the home AND in the hands of someone that's known to be unstable just sounds frightening.

I have no experience to share in this respect except to reiterate the very same warnings that you've already verbalised, so won't repeat them again.

I cannot imagine living with someone who threatens to commit suicide. Here's a thought. If someone does that, (BIG) assuming they have no intention of carrying it out, is it not another way of manipulating those around them so they are treated "different" or "special" or forcing people around them to "tread on eggs" thus the (empty?) threat achieving it's objective? Just a thought.

Please look after yourself and thanx again for sharing.

You are one brave girl.

Strength.

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 Subject :Re: I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-18 12:37:44 
JC
Junior
Joined: 2014-11-07 08:59:40
Posts: 4
Location

No you hit the nail on the head that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out....I think he does want to manipulate me and that's why I took the gun to begin with.....because I cant bare the thought of the addict attempting to manipulate me with suicide threats. I think I may just throw up if I allow myself to be in that situation.  I think what I'm more concerned about is that I'm trying to "control the situation". Or maybe I have become so used to letting go and realizing that I have no control over the addict that I feel uneasy stepping in.  However I suppose I must accept that this situation is more complex and that I cant strictly apply the control aspects of this program and no matter what its best to keep the gun away regardless. On a positive note, yesterday he brushed his teeth and went for a short run (among other things).  I am glad that I stepped away and allowed him to make his own decisions in those small ways, it’s like giving him a gift. I wish I could do more of that.

 

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 Subject :Re: I'm hiding a gun, what now..
2014-11-19 10:31:36 
Joe
Senior
Joined: 2012-09-18 18:31:31
Posts: 32
Location

Truth be told, I haven't found a situation I cannot apply Nar-Anon principals to, whether it be private life or work.

In my opinion, dealing with the gun situation is non-negotiable. I would think that to deal with the question of control, one would be to get the addict to take responsibility for getting rid of the weapon or else (boundary and consequence) ... The problem with that idea is the inclusion of proof that it was dealt with to my satisfaction as I would just simply not trust. AND I would want that choice to be final, i.e. like "giving it to a friend to keep" is not good enough as it can be returned without my knowledge.

Don't think I'm critical of your action, already owned up to having no experience here, however you knowing the character, you have to make the choice which will safeguard you first. And if that requires removal as you've done, then so be it.

Just please be careful.

Personally, I would become paranoid and LOCK my door or LOCK him out or LOCK, LOCK LOCK. LOL. I assume he has a license for the thing? If so, should anyone threatening suicide be allowed a weapon? That would be a major question to my mind. I think I know my answer.

Look after yourself.

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