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 Subject :Re: Some advise please..
2012-01-26 07:19:54 
Posts: 0

I can draw some similarities between my story and your story in respect to my relationship with my spouse and children. The loving interchange between all members of the family turned into a tangled mess. The risk of each one of us going our separate ways was real until we found Nar-Anon and NA. We all stayed together, but we went on our separate journey of 12 Step recovery. Individually and without interference we worked the 12 Step Program. For myself, I found peace serenity and developed a loving relationship with myself. I thank my HP that each member of my family did the same for themselves and by themselves. I brought love and understand to my family relationships and found that each and every one of them did the same. Today and with the help of the 12 Step Program we are a family of individuals. We each have strengths and weaknesses and we compliment each other with love, tolerance and acceptance. Today I am a very proud husband, father and grandfather. None of it would have been possible without the 12 Step Program. I want to keep what I have, so I keep going back to meetings and working the steps. I apply the principles in my daily life and I give away what I have learnt, because I can’t keep what I have unless I give it way. Take what you like and leave the rest – may the power that guides you and each member of your family be with you.

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 Subject :Re: Some advise please..
2012-01-26 08:39:01 
Posts: 0

Hi. I am sorry to hear about both your circumstances. And sure I think you are brave for coming here and trying to seek an answer.

Something I learned here is that the answers we seek are not much about the past but more about the future. What is it that we want and when will we be ready to take the steps we need to get there.

The way I think of it is that me and my partner both make mistakes - just as he doesn’t want to use (but does anyway) - I may make mistakes within my relationship (even though I don’t want to). The thing about Nar-Anon is that it helps us take the focus off my addict and work on myself and my own shortcomings. You see as a result of addiction being in our lives we often forgot to face ourselves and be honest with ourselves and ended up being consumed by the impacts of addiction.

It sounds like there is a complex story between the two of you and just as you have your story, your wife has hers. I imagine neither of you intended it to get to this - yet it has, and that’s ok because all have tried to cope at some point in our lives the best we knew how at the time.  

Just to share a little, my partner also started using for fun which I did with him out in the open for a while. And when it was enough for me I stopped. He also stopped using in the social sense but continued for purposes of work. He used so that he could work long hours, put in the extra mile so that he could get somewhere in his life. As with most men - all he ever wanted was success. As with everything that has happened as you are aware with the economic climate, his vulnerability, and many other factors - he made poor decisions that had resulted in him working for sharks. Unfortunate isn’t it? Well maybe if he had a clearer head he would have seen what was happening, he would have listened to my warnings. What does it matter? He was so focused on his idea (which he had the best intentions) that there was no stopping him. Meanwhile - me the poor victim sat alone. It would get to the point that when he walked in in the early hours of the morning he wouldn’t even be able to look at me. Imagine not even being looked at – not once, even though he kissed me hello.  I was invisible.  Shame poor me. I tried so hard to make him see what was happening. Only to feel hopeless. The point is - what was the point? He lost everything and we lost out years of our relationship. Did it ever cross my mind to cheat on him? Yes the situation definitely had an effect on me - although I was lucky enough to find Nar-Anon before things got that far.  I waited so patiently for that wedding ring and then ended up resenting him when I didn’t get it. I still don’t have it. He is still using.  But my life has changed!

When I came to Nar-Anon – my whole world changed.  I realised that I couldn’t make him do anything.  I stopped waiting, got on with my life and have found much serenity that I never expected.  I am in this relationship for me.  I can forgive him.  I can forgive myself.  In this programme I have learned about facing oneself and as JFT mentioned, I began my own journey that I am forever thankful for. I can’t change a thing about anyone else but I can change everything about myself. I have hope.

I can’t give you advice but I can tell you that both of you are on your own journey and the answers you are looking for will come as and when you are ready to receive them.

Good luck and I wish you all the best!

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 Subject :Re: Some advise please..
2012-01-27 18:37:19 
Joined: 2009-01-24 07:20:07
Posts: 33
Location: Western Cape

Dear fellow members of NarAnon.

The only criteria for our membership is that a member has to be family or friend of an addict. We share our experiences in order to learn from each other and encourage each other.

We had a comment from Maxwell which I was compelled to remove from the forum.

Maxwell introduced himself as the addicted husband of one of our members and seeks our comments regarding the situation in his family, describing how he became an addict.

We can encourage Maxwell to seek Narcotics Anonymous and share his experience within the fellowship of addicts.There he will get the opportunity to find answers to his pressing questions, based on the principles of the fellowship.

This forum is exclusively for NarAnon members.



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'The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve' Albert Schweitzer
 Subject :Re: Some advise please..
2012-01-27 19:17:32 
Joined: 2011-07-27 12:45:56
Posts: 7

Hi everyone

I read the share of Maxwell and I agree with admin!

Maxwell should seek NA.

There he will learn quickly that it doesn't matter why he became an addict and how well he can justify his using.

There he will learn that it is a pattern of active addiction to blame someone else or circumstances for the addiction.

There he will learn that the key to his recovery is with himself and only he can unlock the bondage of addiction.

There he will learn that his focus should be on getting clean and staying clean, one day at a time, not to dwell in the past or the future.


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