~ Out of Chaos ~ A Personal Share
To my knowledge, my son started using when he was approximately 12 years old. I suspected something was up but I refused to admit it. In my heart I wanted to believe everything was ok.
One day while cleaning his room I found a glass tube better known as a ‘lolly’, the one used for smoking TIK. When I asked him about it, he convinced me it wasn’t his. My heart and mind were at odds, for my heart desperately wanted to believe him … but all the signs were there.
TIK was the subject in the media and I remember reading up on it. The aggression, mood swings, valuables mysteriously disappearing, blame shifting, master manipulation - was the order of the day. I became obsessed with my son’s addiction. I was anxious whenever the left the house. When I asked where he was going, he would lie and become irritated that I wanted to know. “It’s my life, stop bothering me. If I die that’s my problem. Leave me alone, stop nagging” would be the words I heard wringing in my ears. ...
My life was in chaos. My husband and I were continuously fighting and my son fully manipulated this situation. I was desperate for answers. I wanted TO FIX MY SON. I spoke to various people and organisations, trying to find the ‘quick fix’.
One day at the bus I started a conversation with the lady next to me. She revealed she was experiencing similar challenges with her son. She told me she had heard about Nar-Anon meetings at the Westridge High School on Saturdays at 3PM. I decided to give it a try as I was ready to try anything to FIX MY SON.
My first meeting I attended was such a relief. I cried my heart out. I told them how I was such a bad mother, that my son was abusing drugs because of me. I remembered all the mistakes I had made and the feelings of guilt that overwhelmed me. The swearing, the cursing, the ugly hurtful words said …
I can’t remember any of the readings of that first meeting but what I do remember is that almost everyone in that room was crying with me. I remember the sense of belonging, the kindness, the hugs and feeling over whelmed that these people understood my pain. Before Nar-Anon I often walked away from conversations regarding my son with frustration. Feeling more anxious, confused, desperate and even angry. I felt no one understood.
My family blamed me, neighbours looked at me funny or maybe it was all in my mind. I was a co-dependent. My mood depended on that of my addict. My husband and youngest son were at the receiving end of my insanity.
Fortunately my Higher Power saw my needs and guided the right people into my life at the right time. In Nar-Anon I learnt with much relief that I did not cause my son to use, that I cannot control his using, nor can I cure my son. I have learnt that I am not the higher power, but what I can change with the help of my Higher Power is ME. I have become more aware of my many character defects and that if I acknowledge and work on them I can aide my own recovery. I used to pity myself, but came to realise that doing so was stunting my own recovery.
Today, I am grateful for this journey I am on. I have met so many amazing people in the rooms of Nar-Anon who have all contributed positively to my life. Now, while still working my program, my other purpose in Nar-Anon is to be a beacon of light, to give hope to those who still feel hopeless, to be a shoulder to cry on and to keep the doors of Nar-Anon open just as it was kept open for me.
I have come to believe Nar-Anon only works if you work it; SO WORK IT!!!
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